Friday, August 18, 2006

Alarming news

Every now and then, through confusion, misdirection or simple amnesia either Mrs Stuffy or myself might trigger the alarm system. How annoying! It turns out that ringing the alarm company to explain that an error has occcured and there is really no need for Surrey's finest boys/girls in Kevlar to attend is a waste of time, after all we could be hostages, or being murdered.
Which is fine but what actually happens is that at least half an hour later we get a phone call from the police asking us to open the gates so that they can get in to save us from the forces of the ungodly, that's on a good day, we have had them arrive at the wrong gates, clamber over the wall and then jog for half a mile trying to find us. Bless them, the cherry red of exertion goes so well with the dark blue of body armour.
Any road up Mrs Stuffy inadvertantly tripped the alarm last weekend resulting in a visit 40 minutes later from a rapid response unit and occupants, usual process, "please can you let us in to make sure you're not a murderer* please?"

This particular visit from the constabulary was enlivened by my sudden frantic dash around trying to hide any evidence of sprinklers or hoses in case they were part of the 'Water board conspiracy of incompetence punishment squad'.

The policepersons themselves were lovely but I received a letter (yes a real one, on paper) yesterday from the 'Let's punish incompetent householders admin team' of the local Plod telling me that I could not expect the usual exemplary service and we had to be good for three months in order to be restored to the premier level of protection and support. So presumably if we set off an alarm they'll ring from the office to see if it's worth driving all the way to the gates where they can ring again to see if we're being murdered.

By the way if you are a murderer please don't read the foregoing post, thank you.

*Digression -Hands up anyone who remembers TIm Brooke-Taylor, Marty Feldman (i think) and John Junkin,
Why haven't you got a hat with "Travel Agent on it? you could be a murderer"
Ah, but then I'd have a hat with 'murderer' on it wouldn't I?"


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