Thursday, January 04, 2007

Thoughts from the treadmill

As a regular (albeit reluctant) user of the gym facilities, (I know it's hard to tell looking at me but 'tis true), I'm always heartened by the post Christmas rush of the the guilt-ridden, red faced, short lived resolutioners. I spent a little time this morning identifying a few suggestions that, if adopted could make visits to PE Purgatory a little more pleasant for all of us, the seasoned sweaters and the overindulgent occasionals, feel free to add your own suggestions...

Ladies, if it says 'FOXY' in bold lettering across the seat of your jogging pants, and if you observe that people have to take a few steps backwards to read the text,it might be wise to keep them in the wardrobe. This applies many times over if there's room for 'Abercrombie and Fitch'

You, the bloke in the bandana, you're not Johnny Depp, you're closer to Johnny Morris, you are a balding, greying, paunchy middle-aged bloke like the rest of us and no-one is going to invite you to go snowboarding or surfing, and it's not keeping the sweat out of your eyes either, you're not sweating you lazy git.

It's 7.05 and that's the third time you've checked your Blackberry, you still have no mail, why? because you're not important, you can be out of contact for an hour and the bedrock of western commerce won't crumble (and you've no personal messages because no-one likes you, ...... except Vodafone).

As a general rule, if the amount of equipment you're carrying around (ipod, blackberry, phone, paperback, Heart rate monitor, checklist, biro, spare biro just in case, water bottle, towel, special gloves for lifting things), is greater than the weights you are taking off the racks, your approach to building muscle may be flawed.

No amount of standing around huffing and twitching is going to make me get off this piece of equipment any faster, (quite the contrary in fact), so here are your options,
change your routine, it's a recommended schedule not a sacred ritual
try a different machine, go on, live a little
or keep standing there, watch me exercise, that'll cause your kilos to drop off...

Tattoos, a small, attractive, almost hidden ideogram on a svelte lithe young figure can be intriguing and appealing, a Celtic dagger with accompanying intertwined snakes pointing directly down the spine can all too often say 'look at the size of my hideous arse!'
Gentlemen, the maori scrollwork around your pasty upper arms does not mean you will be mistaken for a pop star, special forces operative or mysterious surfer dude. You're a tattooed Independent Financial Adviser. Sorry to shatter the illusion.

Sorry about this ladies but, honestly, if I've a choice I'll probably spend more time looking at your pert lycra-clad buttocks than the corpulent actuary on the next treadmill, Let's be real, I'm a chap and you're a gently perspiring woman in a relatively small amount of tight clothing. Sad maybe but true, definitely!

On the subject of perspiration, another thought for the ladies, if you've put your make-up on before you exercise (you know who you are), if you've done your work-out and the cosmetic mask is still intact, you possibly didn't do the 'work' part of work-out.

If the gym is busy and there are many folk frantically feeling their individual burns and there is no-one within 6 feet of you, why don't you try washing that malodorous off-cream t-shirt you always wear, Yes, you, I'm talking to you! in the personal exclusion zone! blow your nose, take a deep breath, horrible isn't it? well that's you that is.... weekly exercise and an annual wash make a very unattractive combination.

still it's only for a couple more weeks...


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