Kids today, don't know what hard work is...
I've just finished making a batch of, Stuffy's breakfast starter, about 8 grapefruit, 15 oranges 20 apples and an inch or two of fresh ginger. delicious, but about 30 minutes chopping and pulping and 30 more cleaning to make about two litres. Natural wholesome goodness, (although I always add a spoonful or two of sugar syrup and some monosodium glutamate to bring out the flavours)
Innocent allege (in their recipe book) that they use the same juicer as us, a Moulinex, all I can say is they deserve every flipping penny that they charge.
Did you ever wonder why your Car insurance is so exorbitant ?
As you will recall (if you've been paying attention) I was recently unfortunate enough to be impacted in the rear bumper area by a young lady, life moves on but,a couple of things have transpired since then.
It appears that my parking sensor (the beepy beepy beepy beepy BEEP!) device that is fitted to cars to help you lovely ladies do the parking thing (only joking girls) can now only do BEEP.
Am I worried ? No, not especially, I'm a chap so I park using testosterone, experience and spatial awareness. And I'm getting rid of the motor soon. Another thing emerges, it appears that the young lady towbar-botherer was subsequently and sequentially rear ended by the chap behind her, he, being chivalrous, didn't mention it and would have got clean away had yours truly not asked for some details as a possible witness. I'm not identifying the profession but I wouldn't let someone that sneaky near my teeth.
Well dear reader, in an ideal and sane world the insurance company representing the young lady would ring me up and say " It's our fault, we're very sorry and is there any damage to you or yours ?, if so get a quote and we'll send you a cheque".
Can you imagine my delight when that happened ! I was astonished, how eminently sensible I thought. I mentioned the lack of beepness and he said something along the lines of "get that nice Mr Jeep to give you a quote and we'll send you the pennies, job done".
Now it gets silly, you knew it would, because our orthodontical absconder is also at fault so their respective insurance companies have someone to transact with, to blame, to pursue their nasty little punitive processes, to justify their drab little soulless existence.
So I get a call from some 'executive* replacement vehicle company' looking to supply a car to Little Miss 'oblivious-to-red-lights', presumably because they can now stick the bill to the scarpering tooth fairy's insurance company.
I gave them shrift, (of the short variety) and told them to go bother an insurance company, "not my problem" quoth I in my naivety. I've now had three calls from these idiots (a different individual idiot for each call you understand), all preceded by "Just a courtesy call". And now, since I had to go to see Mr "might as well get those scratches done since someone else is paying" nudge nudge)Jeep to get an estimate, I'm being offered a luxury car by some associate firm of the Jeepster as a replacement while mine is in the shop ( I reckon a day at most) "at no cost to you Sir" by another of these jackal businesses with a nose for margin and litigation.
And I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more... Of course there's a cost to me you halfwits, I pay a fortune for car insurance despite a perfect no claims and a pretty spotless driving record simply because of this parasitical attitude to insurance and the illusion that it's all someone elses money. It's actually proving to be a real pain for me to make it clean, simple and low cost to all concerned. And last time I looked I was the victim.
Of course the real joy is that like the well oiled paper-pushing machine that our local gendarmerie is SurreyPlod plc, have sent me a form so I can incriminate myself through admin.
'Tell us what happened, take your drivers licence and insurance to a police station (citizen/woodentop-interaction-venue) between the hours of 13:55 and 14:03 and if there appears to be anything we can prosecute someone for we'll post you some handcuffs and form 3452/6 B itsafaircopguvsowelpme so you can give yourself up.'
I might send them the one they sent me about the alarm system and see how long it takes them to notice.
*Digression - Is it just me or does 'executive' seem to carry overtones of seedy and cheap ?
executive suite = with a free plastic shower cap, Executive briefcase=plastic and cheap chrome, executive search=desperate and depressing jobseeking, executive massage=let's not go there.
A fine start to the day
A lovely day here in Surrey and as I stopped at the red traffic lights I was thinking to myself how pleasant it is to be sitting in the sunlight. It was probably a nice day for the young lady in the shiny red Alfa Romeo, lost in a sun-kissed reverie as she drove distractedly into the back of the Jeep, converting her numberplate and a chunk of luscious red bumper into shiny plastic chaff with the aid of the Jeeps industrial towbar. I was struck by the gradual transition from initial shaken up, tearful, immensely apologetic, "all my fault", lass who,as the adrenaline wore off started to look for reasons why it wasn't her fault, sunlight, lights out of synch, "that second light is usually green".
On the upside she's certainly disproved many of the assumptions that less enlightened men than I might have had about the quality of women drivers.
Film Review - A laugh, a song, a stream of hysterical gags.
None of these appear in the film Harsh Times, a tough film, some gritty acting, That Christian Bale is good. And it passed the 'Mrs Stuffy test'. A film for boys and she stayed awake. Praise indeed.
Hot and scrummy, not me, a marmalade...
Mrs Stuffy came back from one of her therapy sessions around the shops of Windsor with a present for me, (she often does,it reduces my miserly whingeing just a little) three jars of preserves produced by a company called 'jules and sharpie' basically chillied up marmalade, mint sauce and cranberry jelly. I've only tried the marmalade so far but it is deliciously orangey with a nice chilli warmness and I commend it to all of you with a taste for the spicy. I'm seriously thinking of buying a turkey next weekend just to justify opening the cranberry jelly.
Enjoyed my first game of golf with my daughter, we played 9 holes at a local pay'n'play. She has a natural swing, loads of power, and her dad's capacity for boredom. a nice way to kick off a monday morning.
I've finally finished producing a dvd for charlie and her class to celebrate the end of her junior school years, there's a lo-res version here if anyone is interested, much as I enjoy producing a video I must say that it's an incredibly
labour intesive, (and intense), exercise. There's a Hi res versions available and I'm bookable for weddings and bar mitzvahs.
My new Garmin Edge arrived today so i'll be able to tell how close to imminent catastrophe i am as bike around the gorse of surrey. keep you posted, (BTW my old gps system is available on ebay, feel free to bid, search for garmin foretrex 101, push the price up and there's a drink in it for you !
Alarming news
Every now and then, through confusion, misdirection or simple amnesia either Mrs Stuffy or myself might trigger the alarm system. How annoying! It turns out that ringing the alarm company to explain that an error has occcured and there is really no need for Surrey's finest boys/girls in Kevlar to attend is a waste of time, after all we could be hostages, or being murdered.
Which is fine but what actually happens is that at least half an hour later we get a phone call from the police asking us to open the gates so that they can get in to save us from the forces of the ungodly, that's on a good day, we have had them arrive at the wrong gates, clamber over the wall and then jog for half a mile trying to find us. Bless them, the cherry red of exertion goes so well with the dark blue of body armour.
Any road up Mrs Stuffy inadvertantly tripped the alarm last weekend resulting in a visit 40 minutes later from a rapid response unit and occupants, usual process, "please can you let us in to make sure you're not a murderer* please?"
This particular visit from the constabulary was enlivened by my sudden frantic dash around trying to hide any evidence of sprinklers or hoses in case they were part of the 'Water board conspiracy of incompetence punishment squad'.
The policepersons themselves were lovely but I received a letter (yes a real one, on paper) yesterday from the 'Let's punish incompetent householders admin team' of the local Plod telling me that I could not expect the usual exemplary service and we had to be good for three months in order to be restored to the premier level of protection and support. So presumably if we set off an alarm they'll ring from the office to see if it's worth driving all the way to the gates where they can ring again to see if we're being murdered.
By the way if you are a murderer please don't read the foregoing post, thank you.
*Digression -Hands up anyone who remembers TIm Brooke-Taylor, Marty Feldman (i think) and John Junkin,
Why haven't you got a hat with "Travel Agent on it? you could be a murderer"
Ah, but then I'd have a hat with 'murderer' on it wouldn't I?"
Mr Jeep, courtesy, superlative engineering skills and even more courtesy
Bless them, only £250 of your English quids to change the oil, vacuum the carpets and turn off the "exploding engine light".
"So what made it go on?" he asked expecting a long winded detailed technical explanation.
"Dunno, it happens sometimes, seems OK now though" replied the master technician.
So that's ok...
Donner und Blitzen
A stupendous rainstorm yesterday afternoon and evening, as should have been expected from the weather forecast of "scattered light showers" The rain was so heavy that it was a real physical challenge popping out to move the sprinkler...
Driving to Mr Jeeps emporium this morning was an interesting journey, Cars in ditches, Railway sleepers washed onto the road from farmyards, mud and muck everywhere. I was delighted to find that I had to pay my insurance company an extra £25 to be covered to drive Mr Jeeps courtesy car, In a continuing theme from the "just a courtesy call sir" approach to selling, I find the "is there anything else I can help you with" (in the tone of somebody who's done you a favour) really irritating when you've just been charged £25 for something you don't want but have to have.
I'm still nervously awaiting the call from Mr Jeep regarding the cost of turning the exploding engine indicator off... watch this space.
A thoroughly enjoyable round of Goodwood yesterday, (thanks Richard) astonishingly I made a perfect par on the first hole, much to the horror of my oppo who hasn't played me for a year or so, fortunately the universe slipped back into alignment, the real world kicked in and once again I failed to meet my personal goal of a sub 100 stroke round. A stunning course and facilities though, as a wise man once said "Carlsberg don't make golf clubs but if they did..."
Film Review - and not a great one either...
As many of you know, I love word games, crosswords, puns, anagrams. Did you know that you can easily rearrange the words in this simple phrase to make perfect sense.
Avoid 'Vice Miami' like the plague, it's a tedious load of overlong mumbling tosh with a plot from 'Janet and John go scriptwriting' and acting so wooden that the cast wouldn't have got into Trumpton. There is thirty seconds of action which is ok and some nice camerawork/lighting. And nobody pushes up the sleeves on their jackets. And the music is pants.
Just a courtesy call
As I mentioned previously I am forced to deliver the Jeep into the tender and exceedingly expensive hands of the local Mr Jeep motto 'a smile, a spanner and a pile of (your) money'. It's booked in for a service on Monday, (the first day they could provide me with a loan car). I was so thrilled today to receive a call from one of Mr Jeep's minions.
"Just a courtesy call Mr Stuffy, you've got your car booked in with us for Monday!"
To be honest I knew that but obviously word of my Alzheimers is getting about...
"Yes, thank you for reminding me"
"Well'just a courtesy call, will you be wanting any accessories while we have the vehicle?"
Accessories? Accessories? I'm thinking handbags, ear rings, hair slides, jewellery, or maybe some of those strange driving gloves with a hole where the back should be...
Accessories I enquire, what on earth do you mean ?"
"Well like towbars... or, um, wheel covers" replies the gent on the other end... (obviously nobody has enquired before)
I was aghast, I was confused, I had to ask, "Do many people buy towbars as an impulse purchase ?"
"Well", he floundered on, "it's just a courtesy call", he said "if there was anything else you need, you might have forgotten when you booked it in"
The red mist descended, I cranked the volume all the way up (to 11) "I'm reluctantly paying £350 for you to turn a flipping dashboard light off, I'm not looking for you to pimp my ride thank you, do you know what courtesy means, how exactly is this call a courtesy to me?"
"Ok", he said, ("from the faintness of his voice I suspect he was holding the phone at a safe distance from his delicate ears). "So we'll see you Monday then" and then the selfish blighter hung up before I could scream.
Obviously it's a new mantra, as long as you keep repeating the magic words "courtesy call" nothing bad can happen to you, well, we'll see about that ... Any bets as to the value of the eventual bill ?
blogfromthebarn on tour - Monday
After a long drive down*, trying to reconcile my innate sense of direction, a persistent nausea as a result of the finest cuisine that P&O could offer, an ongoing argument twixt myself, a 1999 map of France and my sat-nav (I find it really difficult to argue with the satnav since installing Joanna Lumley's voice) we arrived in the Dordogne in the wee hours. Everyone else set about enjoying the sunshine and pool and I crawled into the dark of the cave (delightfully converted into a lovely chambre) and did sleeping. A gentle day, a light supper, a glass or many and back to the sleeping thing.
*(Diversion - I discovered en route that the jeep has an alarming, bright yellow, warning light, a lovely little dashboard icon in the style of an exploding engine which comes on (at 2 in the morning) to tell you that there is 'something indefinable in the engine management system' wrong, it's still ok to drive unless it starts flashing , What the flip is the point of that ? Can you imagine how relaxing that is ? Also it may only be turned off by a jeep dealer armed with a jeep computer charging jeep dealer prices. I foresee a tense conversation with Mr Jeep next week.)
Blogfromthebarn on tour - Tuesday
Up relatively early and off with the Papa of Mrs Stuffy for a round of le golf, something at which he excels and I strive, occasionally, invariably with dire results. A beautiful course though and the scenery made the embarrasment and pain almost worthwhile.
Tuesday evening saw us all enjoying a lovely meal in the village of Collonges la Rouge, (clue in the name, it's called Collonges and is built out of red stone), a beautiful little place, very touristed but in a 'Lacock' rather than a 'Blackpool' way if you know what I mean. It was apparently built as a resort for the wealthy and has that 'folly' feeling about it. Here's a little shot of Cha enjoying an aperitif.
Blogfromthebarn on tour - Wednesday
Drove to Disneyland Paris , here's a summary
Hotel (Cheyenne) - A TraveLodge with cowboy boot motif
Breakfast - appalling, we met battery chickens on their summer break who refused to eat there
Rides - not bad, Space Mountain is fast and furious, Thunder mountain has great views at night, Indiana Jones hurts, Buzz Lightyear brings out the competitive even in such well balanced souls as Mrs Stuffy.
Queueing - relatively small queues, on the Wednesday and Thursday, intelligent use of fastrack makes a real difference, luckily the majority of punters seem to suspect intelligence, (well, we all fear the unfamiliar) so assumed that getting a scheduled slot involved some sort of soul exchange with the forces of darkness and preferred to graze in the punter processing compounds for an hour or two.
Dining - I've always fancied eating in the restaurant that the Pirates of the Caribean river passes through, well now I have, so that's that done then...
Weather - occasional slight showers, Now you'd think if you were going to buy Disney plastic bags to keep the wetness off you'd do it some considerable time before departure in order to reap the benefit of plasticky dryness, but that would interfere with the Mrs Stuffy code of shopping ("Well if he says it's a waste of money, I'll do it now and use his money so that none gets wasted") Check out my ebay auction of unused yellow ponchos!
Buffallo Bill wild west show - excellent fun and for at least 75% of our group involved no risk of food poisoning. Still I can always afford to lose a kilo or two.
Blogfromthebarn on tour - Friday
After a pleasant lunch at Annettes Diner* for all but one of us, ("oh and a plain bread roll for the driver SVP") we set off for the tunnel and home,
A good time had by all. Who could ask for more?
*(Diversion - I love the American Diner thing, pastel pinks and blues, rollerskating waitresses with their hair up, juke boxes in each booth, it must be the American Graffiti, Happy Days, Pulp fiction input during my formative impressionable years 1956-2006, " A five dollar shake !"
There's a good one under Bloomsbury Square at the All star lanes bowling alley, nice bar too.)
